I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
