last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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