i was born a porn star she said
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
