Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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