Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
