How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
