Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
