you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
