Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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