The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
