i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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