Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
