Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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