I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
