my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
