My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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