your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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