Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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