Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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