Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
