the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
