have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
