I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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