Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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