I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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