the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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