how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
