note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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