a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
