Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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