Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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