you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
