Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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