I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
