I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
