Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
