be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
