Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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