nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
