and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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