Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She needs sedatives and a leash
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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