highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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