you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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