The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
