Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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