Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
