you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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