My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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