Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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