I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
